Random Tuesday Musings

As of this morning, I am down 44.4% from my highest weight, and based on my goal weight, I have lost 85% of my excess body weight.  Taking a step back from focusing on the trees to realize the beauty of the forest! I get so frustrated of where I haven't been successful or where I struggle or the number on the scale today, that I forget to step back and appreciate the journey I've been on for 3 1/2 years.  I am down almost 150 lbs.  That's a whole person!

I look at my pant size and wonder if I will ever be "normal" - but seriously - size 12 is a great victory! Pre-op, I would have said I would kill to be a size 12. And I have so much loose skin around my tummy - definitely want to look into skin removal.  Double edged sword, though - thinking about surgery to remove this excess skin.  I know it holds me back from doing a lot of things like running without worry.  I wear compression garments (I call them my "skin suckers") to hold in my loose skin and keep it from hurting with every movement.  Rationally, it only makes sense to have it removed.  On the flip side, there are surgical risks and complications, reality of pain during healing, of course, but even deeper than that is the fear of me no longer having that piece of me.  I am sure I am not explaining this as well as I wish I could.  My severely morbid obesity was a part of my identity for so long, it shaped a lot of my life and in turn shaped a lot of who I am today.  There's a part of me that feels like this excess skin is the punishment or consequences I should carry for the decisions and life I allowed, and removing it would somehow be the "easy" way out, or somehow denying my identity, becoming fake or shaming myself or not shaming myself enough.  Guess it's time to get back into regularly scheduled sessions with my therapist to work through some of this.  Weight loss surgery is physical, but if you don't put the time in emotionally and mentally to address and change behaviors, success isn't complete.  And even when physical success is attained, it takes a long time for the brain to catch up!

I have said it so many times, but it still remains true.  I still see the old Amy in the mirror.  I sometimes get a glance of the new Amy, but then it's like a shock and I revert back to images of the old me.  Pictures help, and I need to take another after to compare and show how far I have come.  Multiple people have even told me recently it looks like I'm losing again.  The scale has moved down about 8 lbs, but it's taken a long time to get the scale moving again.  Maybe my weight is just shifting again, or maybe I am actually burning fat and building muscle like I have been attempting to do all along. 

Stay tuned for pics, soonish...and thank you for following this journey.