Two years that have changed my life

Wow, I cannot believe it was 2 years ago yesterday that my life changed forever.  For those of you who have been with me from the start, thank you so much!  Your love and encouragement means the world to me!

For those who are newer to my journey, allow me to take you back through my journey.  I can't identify one day or event in my life that triggered my weight gain to the extreme that it eventually became.  I was a smaller child but did start putting on weight through life, then at some point, I woke up and was over 300 lbs.  I still have trouble looking at old pics on Facebook and in family pictures.  I don't think I ever recognized how large I was until it started getting in my way.  I went through seasons of trying to lose weight, always experiencing short success before falling back to where I was when I started, and often times adding a few pounds to the gain.

The turning point for me was when I was living at home, hitting the gym every morning before work and joining a fitness class 2-3 nights a week.  I couldn't get into the class with my normal trainer, so I was short term in with another trainer who had some crazy energy and ideas of being able to get me down to a reasonable weight in no time.  Long story short, in her class, we were doing an exercise with resistance, and I heard my knee "snap".  I was in pain and stopped the exercise while she told me I just needed to push through my pain.  I was too embarrassed to leave the class right then, but the pain only got worse after I got home.  I was referred to an orthopedic doctor, and after a lot of tests, we found out I have no cartilage left under my knee.  I injured my knee throughout life, including running into a parked car and having stitches on the outside of my knee that pulled my knee cap across the cartilage through the past 2 decades.  The doctor told me I would need a total knee replacement before I turned 30, but that he would never operate on someone my size because it would be a wasted knee.  I started crying, trying to absorb the information of the surgery, much less that he wouldn't perform the surgery.  Then he looked at me and said words that still infuriate me.  "What? When you look in the mirror you don't see you're fat?".  I hobbled out of his office without another word, but I used that to propel me into action.

I called my primary doctor and asked what our options were because I felt stuck in a catch 22.  I can't lose weight without exercise, but I couldn't exercise because of my knee.  I couldn't fix my knee because of my weight.  I couldn't fix my weight because of my knee.  He referred me to a bariatric surgeon, and my journey began!

You can read through the history of all the craziness in insurance and being laid off and my next job and insurance covering, etc.

The past two years have been just incredible.  I look back and wonder how I came through it, and how lucky I am to have so many amazing friends and family that support me!!

I am a slow loser.  I have known that was a possibility looking at my previous weight loss attempts.  My body likes to hold onto weight.  136 lbs in two years isn't bad.  I just struggle with the comparison game.  I see others that had surgery and lost that in their first year and hit goal.

I guess that's a fun topic - goal weight.  Let me preface this with saying weight loss surgery in its title alone refers to weight loss as the success definition.  But success is measured by so many other things than the number of the scale.  Even with that knowledge, I get stuck on letting the number on the scale define my success.  In order for me to be at a "normal" BMI, I need to be at 159 or below.  With my current weight of 197 puts me in the obese category, with overweight being 160-191...so I am 6 lbs from being "just" overweight and 38 lbs from "normal".  I would be thrilled to be at 159.  My surgeon feels with my bone structure I should shoot for 150 or less.

So what other metrics define success?  This is definitely debatable, but the consistent metric I've seen is waist circumference.  Two years ago I would never admit my measurements, but I've promised to be transparent on this blog.  My waist was 56"!  My hips were 65".  The latest studies suggest risk of heart disease and cancer decrease if your waist is 35" or less.  As of this morning my waist is 37" and my hips are 42".  19 inches off my waist and 23 inches off my waist in 2 years!! To help me put this into perspective, I looked at the measuring tape to see 19 and 23 inches...but my head still couldn't wrap around how I lost that in circumference. So...I had to put on clothes in my old sizes.  I wish I had kept the outfit I took my day of surgery pics.  I also wish I had taken side and back photos.  Oh well.  I ran to Wal-Mart yesterday and bought some pants and a shirt in my old sizes and then had to try them on at home.

Yes - that's me in one of the legs!  The shirt is more like a dress, and I am glad I had a tank on under or you'd all be seeing more than you want to! ha.

I do things now that I never thought I'd consider.  Like learning to rock climb (indoors!).  I jog with my dog and sometimes when a squirrel is ahead, it turns into a run.  I like to hit the gym and work out frustrations.  I was out on the dance floor at the bariatric reunion and made a fool of myself and loved every minute of it!  I am still not a shopper, but I will try on clothes and still surprise myself when I see the size on the tag.  The pants in the picture above are 26/28.  Today I am in a 12/14 depending on the brand.  I never thought I'd be this size, and if I can get to goal, I can only assume it's possible to get into a single digit size.  My mind is blown.  The shirt above is a 22/24, and I am wearing L in most shirts, and sometimes even a M.  MEDIUM.  Who is this girl??

Even with a smaller weight loss in the past few months, I am blown away with the differences as I tone up.  Here are pictures from the bariatric reunion at my 1 and 2 year marks...

The one on the right was 2012, at my one year mark, and the one on the left was this year.  The number on the scale hasn't changed a lot, but the dress size is 2 sizes smaller and look at my face! I can't wait to see next year.

As I get in to the 2 year stage, I find weight loss is harder.  Staying on top of my vitamins is a good routine, but my levels have been low for vitamins B and D.  Looks like I need to switch to B12 injections instead of sublinguals and take prescription Vit D.  Trying to find the right combination to increase my energy and keep the workouts going.  This is normal for most weight loss patients, so I'm not surprised.  I do have to work harder and watch my carbs.  I go through phases, though.  I take a one week holiday every now and again and drink beers and eat carbs including desserts.  Then I hop back on the wagon, detox, flush my system with water and hit it hard with protein.

I will try to be more consistent with posting moving forward, but we all know I am pretty sporadic.

Thank you again to every one who has been such great support.  My mom who constantly steers me away from the plus size section when we walk into stores, my friends who nudge me into trying things on even when I don't think they'll fit.  My bff who listens to me whine from miles away and reminds me I'm worth this battle.  My local girls who keep me laughing and active.  My family and friends who remind me of the strides I have made and continue to make.

Love all y'all!!!

20 months out

Day of Surgery

 Mother's Day 2013

So much has already happened in May, but I will save that for the 21 month update. The above pic is from Mother's Day, but April just got away from me too fast!

The numbers didn't move much, just enough to tease me.  My surgeon really wants me back on an appetite suppressant that seems to jump start my metabolism.  I am still hesitant.  I did a 2 week trial and lost 10 lbs earlier this year, but I was also very agitated and irritable.  My friend who is pharmacist suggested talking about a lower dose to see if the side effects would lessen.  I am still debating.  We will see.

Work has been stressful with adjustments and changes.  When I started this job over 2 years ago, there was another newbie, and we stuck together from the start.  I have great respect for him, and he decided to leave our company for another opportunity. The news was sudden to me, and it really shook me up a bit.  Every time a team member leaves or joins a team, the dynamics shift.  Our team has gone through so many changes and shifts; I should be used to this by now.

I am working hard to shift my focus on what I can control, including my choice to go to the gym.  I have to thank my friend Eric who removed my excuses to not work out.  I do find it so helpful to hit the elliptical when I am struggling through thoughts, and it does help me clear my mind.  I am also building more muscle, which means a slimmer shape and smaller clothes.  I can't wait for my birthday dinner this week to show off my new dress! 

Other happenings in April - I now have a new migraine pattern.  First time in several years where I was out for most of a week of work!  I ended up seeing my PCP before seeing a neurologist.  New medications and watching for patterns.  I call this migraine style the "ice pick to the brain".  Other than the obvious pain, this one also included visual disturbances and temporary partial loss of sight.  Because of these new symptoms, I was especially worried and anxious to see the neurologist.  As soon as he heard about the wavy vision I was experiencing, he relaxed and confirmed it was a migraine because nothing else would have caused that visual.  That put me at ease.  He also worked by the light of his laptop (overhead lights out b/c of my light sensitivity), spoke to me in whispers, and outlined an immediate plan for that day (Friday), a backup plan (Saturday), and an emergency plan if the pain wasn't gone by Sunday.  If you ever need a neurologist - I would HIGHLY recommend him! 

I think that's all.  Oh, and when did my legs start looking normal/skinny/not fat?

Stay tuned for the 21 month update after Memorial Day!

Shape shifting

Wow, the past 2 months have been crazy, as I anticipated.  Between February and March, I boarded a plane 14 times for business, slept in 4 different cities other than home, and checked off a few "firsts" on my life's list: first time in Vegas, first time climbing an indoor wall, first time getting to the top of said wall, first Catalyst Sports event, and first time meeting my great friend Crystal!

The scale hasn't really moved, but everything else seems to!  The other day, it was chilly outside, and I only had clean skirts and dresses.  I only keep clothes in the closet that currently fit me, and I keep smaller sizes in my dresser to restock my closet as I shrink.   I reached in to find some pants that might work and found some pants one size smaller that fit perfectly!  They were linen, not warm, showed every wrinkle, and of course it was the day we had a VP from corporate visiting, but hey, they were a size smaller!

As many of you also know, March 23 was Catalyst Sports' first event, an adaptive climbing clinic.  I was so excited and so blessed to be a part of the amazing team that helped 70 climbers take that indoor climbing wall and OWN it.  In preparation for the event, I faced my fears and scheduled a climb, my first climb.  What fears could I possibly have? Well...I was afraid the harness every climber wears would only highlight my most insecure areas of loose skin and "melted fat" effect (and it did), I was afraid I would look silly trying to figure out this climbing thing (I did), I was afraid I wouldn't make it past the first holds (but I did!), and I was afraid I'd break my belay in half (I didn't, but I probably could have, ha).  What I didn't expect was the exhaustion it would cause my brain, and the euphoria of accomplishment and a silent mind afterwards.  I will definitely climb again!

Even more inspiring was watching our climbers take the wall just over a week later.  I had three gentlemen that stole my heart.  David has one prosthetic leg, but he didn't let it get in his way!  He was the first participant to show up, and I am pretty sure he was the last one to leave.  He had such an awesome attitude and didn't give up.  He drove several hours and picked up his mom on the way to attend the event.  Then there was Jonathan.  Jonathan has lost most of his vision, but he can still see shadows.  I was able to watch him climb, and after he conquered the smaller walls upstairs, he was determined to climb the 60 ft wall downstairs.  I think the one that stole my heart the most, though, is Caleb.  Caleb has autism and a seizure disorder. He was standing with his mom at the front door when I met him.  I have met several children with autism, and I could tell from first approach that he most likely was somewhere on the spectrum.  I spoke with his mom, who shared they were waiting for his dad to park the car.  Her son was excited and couldn't wait to climb.  I got down on his level and asked what his name was, knowing he wouldn't look me in the eye, but wanting to show him I was interested in speaking to him.  He struggled with it, but finally I heard him say Caleb, and when I asked him if he said his name is Caleb, his mom's face lit up.  She was so excited that someone else understood Caleb.  I told Caleb after he climbed, he could write his name on our sign.  He got really excited; apparently he LOVES writing his name on everything they will let him.  I didn't get to watch him climb as I got pulled into something else, but after it all, when the exhaustion started to catch up with me, I saw our canvas that all the climbers signed and tracked the number of climbs they made, and in big scratchy letters, I saw "CALEB".   It was all worth it for that!

Check out Catalyst Sports online for more information!  Here are a few pics my friend shared from the event:

Next month maybe I will have pics of me on my next climb...

Oh, on other firsts...Vegas was what I anticipated and nothing magical.  Meeting Crystal while in Phoenix, however, rocked!  We worked together for 3 years while I worked on the Honeywell Staffing team, but we never had the opportunity to meet in person.  We've kept in touch, and I even got to dance with her daughter in the parking lot after dinner one night.  Yes, you can be jealous, we were awesome!

I have been working hard at accepting compliments and not focusing on the negative, but I feel like I have always been honest on this blog, and am just going to take a moment to focus on a few struggles I am working through.  I debated on retaking the 19 month picture after seeing it closer on my computer, but I decided I haven't really hidden anything yet.  My eyes go straight to my flaws, especially the bat wings making an appearance on the underside of my arm.  Loose skin showed up rather quickly after surgery, but with spring and summer around the corner, I am not sure I can hide it all.  Instead, I am embracing it while I continue to lose. At least, that's my attitude right now.  Georgia summer is too hot to keep my arms and legs covered all the time! 

As always, thank you to my entire support system who loves me, embraces me, puts up with my crazy, doesn't stare at every bite of food I take, and kicks me/shames me/encourages me to push past my limits to see what I really am capable of doing!

17 month update

Day of Surgery

17 months (and 131 lbs) later!

Ringing in the new year was good times this year.  New Year's Eve, I was at the Georgia World Congress Center with several thousand other volunteers for Passion 2013!  The next few days were full of college kids, a heart of worship, awareness of the 27 million slaves in the world today, and watching the next generation rise up to stand in the gap and say enough is enough. 

While volunteering at Passion, I met some awesome people, including a missionary serving in Ukraine, an amazing woman of God with a heart bigger than the size of Texas, and the founder of a really cool nonprofit that helps people adapt sports to their abilities.  It was a crazy awesome week, with very little sleep, but so many rewards. 

After Passion, I started feeling off again, nauseous and just not right.  I was worried I had another stomach stricture, and this time I went to my doctor quickly.  We butted heads over a few things.  He's a great surgeon, and I am glad I chose him, but we had to get on the same page.  I had this surgery to be healthy, not to be skinny.  He looks at me and sees another 70 lbs that need to come off.  I see me and look at the 131 lbs I've lost.  I'm not to my goal yet, but my unhealthy obsession with the scale has never helped me in the past, so I am not sure how it would help me in my present.  I am 40 lbs from my personal goal, and that doesn't take into account the excess skin I battle.  I know I have work to do, but talking to my surgeon only lit a fire in me because he implied that I wasn't working hard enough.  He offered to do another endoscopy with dilation if I thought it was what I needed, but, in his words, "other people would kill to have your restriction 'problem'."  I was almost in tears I was so mad.  I know my body.  I've been living in it for almost 30 years.  Something was definitely off, and it really made me mad he misread my intentions.  He left the room, and I think he felt my glare on his back.  He came back in 2 minutes later and had a different attitude.  He said we could try a prescription that would act as an appetite suppressant (though I hadn't been hungry since surgery), with a side effect of increased energy.  He offered a 2 week trial to see if it would make a difference.  It did - I lost 9 lbs after hovering around the same number for a very long time. 

On the downside, it made me super agitated, and I developed a random and weird rash on my hand that seems to be healing now I'm off the medicine. 

I know this is a January update, but I have to say my first 11 days in February have been pretty interesting.  6 flights in 6 days for work.  I was nervous about getting on the tiny commuter plane to Lafayette, LA - somehow my brain taunted me and said the smaller plane's seat belts would be too small for me, and I would be forced to request a seat belt extender.  My brain needs to catch up!  I sat down, my hips didn't even touch the sides of the chairs (exit row seat!), and I was able to get the seat belt on, and tighten it.  When it was beverage service, I was even able to pull up the fold out tray and have room!  I cannot tell you what that felt like.  I tried not to cry; I failed.  The lady next to me seemed to understand without words.  She just smiled at me and patted my knee while continuing to read her magazine.  Weirdest flight ever.  We never exchanged a word. Ha!  More about my travels in the next update.

Shout out time!  BIG shout out to Kristi who drove me to my endoscopy procedure in December and has continued to check in on me to make sure I'm okay.  Huge thank you to my team at work for putting up with me as I spoke 100 words per second while on that medicine!  And of course big thanks to my family and my bff who listens to my nonsense babble and doubts in my head, the crazy that comes out, but still loves me and then lovingly tells me to stop whining, pull it together, and move forward.  I couldn't do this without my army of cheerleaders. Thank you!!