I gained weight. I still love chocolate and junk food. And other confessions about weight loss 3 years later.

No picture for my 3 years surgiversary.

The world has not come to an end. 

I promise.

I just wanted to take some time and share a little truth of what life is really like.  I have read a lot of articles about things people never tell you before you have weight loss surgery, or what people wish they had known before surgery, or what people never tell you after surgery.  I have to be honest - I hate that I am typing my own version of these!

But I have always been honest on here, or strived as hard as possible to be transparent. 

My lowest weight was 182.2, and I miss it.  Honestly, it was a blip on the scale.  I was hanging around 184. One morning it hit 182.2.  I took a picture.  I was ecstatic.  Then the next morning, the scale was a glaring 184.2.  What the heck?  How did I gain 2 pounds? Did I actually lose weight and then gain it back?

I used to have swings in my weight in the 10-25 lb range.  Totally unhealthy, and I freaked out for good reason.  Post op, I swing 1-2 lbs and I still freak out.  I have bad days.  I eat junk food sometimes.  But the crazy talk is the part where I let my focus shift off the big picture to the tiny details in front of me and then give up in an all or nothing approach - nothing becomes the winner. 

Today I am 194 lbs.  12 pounds higher than my "lowest" post op weight.  And while I am working to get the scale swinging back down, I will accept where I am.  That is where my focus is now and not on that dang number that seems to dictate my success and my happiness.

So things that I know now that I didn't know or fully know before I started this journey:
No matter what the number on the scale is, I will always be critical that it isn't different. 
No matter how many people compliment me, I still struggle with self image.
No matter how far I have come, I still see the "old me" in the mirror, wondering if I can fit in the plane seat, wondering if anyone else sees the loose skin I work so hard to hold in.
No matter how many weights I lift, this loose skin isn't going to go away on its own. 
No matter how loved I am, I have a hard time allowing myself to love what I see.
No matter how successful I am, I still assume everyone is seeing all my flaws, too.

I could not be this successful without my weight loss surgery, and the surgery has allowed me to remove the physical hunger and discern the emotional eating.  Now I am free to tackle the issues that had been hiding behind those habits. 

I am not perfect.

I cannot become perfect.

But I can work towards it with every choice I make.  I can choose to replace the old negative messages with the truth.  And one battle at a time, I will make progress. :)

As always, thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey - whether you have been there from the start, or if you joined me somewhere on the way.  Not every one has been brave enough to stick with it, and I am so thankful for those that have!!!

Okay, I am feeling bad about not taking a picture, and it's technically 3 years plus a few weeks...so maybe I will take a picture for comparison for myself, and if I feel up to writing another post, I will share then.

Until the next time!